“But Katie, People Make The Decision To Die. That’s It. You Know That.”
I don’t know that. And this is not why New York State or Beacon or Newburgh of any of these Hudson Valley municipalities should be OK with this bridge being so accessbile by people who are making a decision that may be momentary, or accurate for a few months, or that they may regret. Unlike a drinking or an ice cream binge, that seems like the right idea at the time, there is no turning back from this. Unlike having sex with that first person seems like the right idea at the time, there is no turning back from smacking down onto the water that becomes like cement from that height if one wants to do that. They can’t undo smacking down on the Hudson River Water cement.
“But Katie, people make the decision to die. That’s it. You know that.” This was said to me by a good-intentioned person who wishes no one to die. This is where I want to talk about deciding to end one’s life. And how that is their decision. And those of us left in the living have to tell ourselves things in order to cope with the loss of them here. I’ve read the phrase “Don’t go, you will be missed,” and I understand that sentiment, but sometimes, if someone is in that state of mind, it’s not about other people. It’s about that person, and what that person feels like they can or can no longer contribute or tolerate in this lifetime.
Decisions Are Moments In Time
A friend once told me, when I was feeling down about what I thought was losing an emotion forever, they told me: “These are feelings for now. Things return.” I decided to believe my friend, even though I was convinced otherwise. Turns out, my friend was right. Years and years later, my friend remains right.
That friend has become my Day Of The Week Friend. We are very different people. We see straight on 95% of things. The other 5% is very, very different. But we appreciate each other as our Safe Space. Where we can tell each other deep emotions without fear of that friend reporting us, judging us, and if they do judge us, we know it is with good intent, and we know we can push back if we feel we need to.
Days of the week are important, because each day can mean different things. Making it through each day can be very hard. My friend started as my Saturday Friend. In my 20s (I am now 47 with 3 young children), I decided not to answer the phone from anyone in my family before 12noon. Too emotionally dangerous/slippery. But this friend, I can answer their call at any time in the morning. Except 5am. I am journaling then, and need the quiet. Unless they are in an emergency.
That friend expanded to Wednesday Friend. For no reason, really. I think they just wanted to check in again. Tuesdays became another day for us. Slurpy Tuesdays. Because Tuesdays can be very emotional, as they tend to have less structure than the Go Go Go energy of a Monday (as a small business owner, I love Monday’s, because I am the only one making it happen, so I got to make the money and be jazzed about it starting on Monday).
I say this because each day and moment are different. What may feel real and permanent in one moment, will not be real and permanent in another. Some things will. Like true love you feel. Or certain ideas you have. But other truths are set in different ways. The Past You may know some truths, and the Future You may know those truths differently, after reality is revealed along the way.
A Quick Guide To Days Of The Week
Not sure about you, but this is how I view the days of the week. Everyone is different in their life experience. I work for myself, so my work hours vary. I don’t commute to a job. My job as a writer and website producer is in my computer, which travels with me everywhere. I also produce client’s social media, so much of my job is in my iPhone.
Monday: Yay!! Monday is here again and I get to start this week again to make money. Money is a huge trigger for me. If I don’t have it - if I can’t buy the groceries my kids need, if I can’t take them to Olive Garden like they ask me, if I can’t pay for the Volleyball registration, I get very, very low. I know this is momentary, and I know what I need to do to get more money. Even though that usually involves emerging from a very scary place.
Tuesday: Slurpy Tuesday. Catch up from Monday, but dangerous because there is less structure here. I try not to answer any phone calls from family on Tuesdays. Especially at holiday time in November/December. This can send me into an emotional tailspin.
Wednesday: Ok, how you doing, Wednesday? This used to be a day that I taught a class. I’ve since abandoned that class, but need to bring it back. Great day for laundry catchup at night to stay ahead.
Thursday: Could be a high or a low day. Usually a high, as people begin opening up to get ready for the weekend. But if no structure, this day can slide to slurpy quickly.
Friday: Wow. It’s Friday. Did I complete everything? No I didn’t. Oh no. Usually am behind on Friday with deadlines. Clients tend to call on this day with website or creative emergencies. Usually my plans go out the window on Fridays. It’s also payday on Friday. If I don’t have the money to make payroll, this is obviously a very depressing day. Usually by Friday Night, I have moved through the Dimming of the Day, which is a peaceful time, but a longing time. I’m usually in a missing mood, and hope that I make it to Saturday.
Saturday: Saturday! Disconnected. Most people are not working or sending business emails. This day is reserved for creative things, bills catchup or bookkeeping. Or Kids Sports of those are in season. If it’s Kids Sports season, then this day is very choppy, difficult and usually exhausting. If a bath with Epson salt didn’t happen Friday night, then it should definitely happen Saturday night.
Sunday: Ugh. Sundays are for Main Street errands, the Farmer’s Market, and purging trash and house clutter. Kids Sports Things if those are in season. Preparing for Monday.
Visual Tricks To Get You Through Hard Moments
I have been going through a divorce for 2 years, and pondering it for years prior. I don’t know what it feels like to “come out” for one’s sexuality, but telling my friends and family that I was pursuing divorce was very difficult for me. I was hiding for a long time, and in my marriage, felt I had disappeared.
Low moments can often happen if one doesn’t feel heard or seen. This can often happen from people who are the most close to us blood-wise, family-wise. This is why people speak of their “chosen family.” Sometimes one must separate from their blood family in order to process and understand their own needs, and then lift themselves from restrictions being placed upon them in various ways. These restrictions can cause one to feel hopeless.
To get through these moments, to protect against the hopeless feeling, I do 2 things:
Remember that nothing lasts for ever. Good things or bad. I like to believe that the good things morph into the next version of that good thing. The bad or low moments will pass. Even though in that moment, they feel like forever, which is terrifying.
Turn myself into different characters or objects. Here’s what I mean:
Maleficent’s Wings: When I thought that “nesting” was a good idea at the end of my marriage (aka still living together in the same house for financial reasons but are divorced), to be temporary until I bought a different house, my ex-spouse was home more than expected. To survive this, I imagined that Maleficent’s large, black, thick, luscious wings were attached to my back and wrapped around me, shrouding me and protecting me from anything coming my way.
Alice Down A Rabbit Hole: When I’m pursuing an article like this one, I often feel like Alice in Wonderland, gathering pictures and information from places I never expected to be. Meeting new people and learning about their lives.
Cranking A Lawn Mower: During this divorce period, my usual mojo has been off. I can’t get into the groove to produce for my job the way I need to, or know that I can. I often feel like I am pulling on the lawn mower crank thing, and the motor is just not catching. I know it can start, but why. WHY. When it does start, I am very thankful, and I mow the whole lawn without turning it off.
Han Solo Flying The Millennium Falcon: When my motor starts again, I become like a jittery broken ship and a pilot at the same time. According to StarWars.com: “Millennium Falcon is a legend in smuggler circles and is coveted by many for being the fastest hunk of junk in the galaxy.” When I’m getting back on track, I feel like Han Solo in the pilot seat, working all of the levers and pressing all of the buttons, while some things are springing leaks. He fixes it as he goes, and knows he will be alright, but it’s a scary, yet exciting ride.
Batman and Robin: I don’t have a business partner, but I do, or did, have an employee here at A Little Beacon Blog. During the new time of blogging about Palestine, and how difficult that has been for this publication, thanks to people who are in denial, and to at least 1 stalker who has been walking into businesses demanding that they cut financial ties with my blog, and 1 stalker who takes the time to send a 6 pages letter to over 20 businesses, demanding the same, I had to go rogue. While my employee wanted to stay, I told her that I seem to be driving the plane into the ground, and for her own safety, I must eject her. Oddly, the day before I wrote her this text that I did not send, my body sent me to the hospital with an unexpected attack of Diverticulitis, that I realize know, has been brewing for at last one year. But with the stress of my divorce, these stalkers, and the denial of much of the world who are in power of the murders in Palestine, which bleeds into other genocides and hiding of police brutality and other things, my body couldn’t absorb any more. I may not have wanted to jump off a bridge, but my body sent me to the ER.
Butterfly/Person In Ocean: I have several ocean scenes I embody. On a productive, fast-moving day, I envision myself to be under the water, zipping around the ocean floor, collecting things in my arms. My body travels as fast as a bullet, and can twirl around horizontally while shooting forward. It’s like being a person and a butterfly at the same time.
Sinking To Bottom Of Ocean: I never felt this, but I imagined someone else feeling this way. I let go of them, and they fell slowly into the dark depths of the ocean. They could still breath and see me, but they were gone from me. They were on their own. It was a painful vision for me to have, but necessary for that person to make for themselves.
Treading Water In The Rough Ocean Waves: During my divorce, sometimes I felt like I was bobbing in the cold ocean water in the pitch black night, in angry and busy waves, but staying above water. I was next to a tall ship, where people close to me were in it and watching me, assuming I was fine. “Look how strong she is!” they said. But she/I was treading water as best I could, while cold salt water splashed into my mouth, choking me. The waves kept crashing over my head. I looked up at the people in the ship, and wondered why they thought I was OK and didn’t need help, or a life ring, or a life boat..
I have many more examples of characters or objects you can become. But you get the idea.
And don’t worry, Stalkers. I am exposing you in a few articles to come. You are so proud of your work, so you won’t mind the feature article.
Point Is:
The point is: don’t jump off the bridge. These are moments in time.
Even if someone thinks that jumping off the bridge is a good idea, New York State shouldn’t make it so easy to do. New York State removed the toll booths on the Newburgh/Beacon Bridge and cut those jobs in a few months time. They can raise the railing just as quickly.
We are always in traffic on that bridge. So I know we won’t mind the new construction.
Write To Our Elected Officials
Please write to your elected officials to get this railing raised.
Dutchess County Executive: Sue Serino CountyExec@DutchessNY.gov
Assembly Member Jonathan G. Jacobson: jacobsonj@nyassembly.gov
