Step 1 I suppose is finding the Valentine. This person you could be looking at for years and years, or days and days, and all of a sudden, a valve is switched, and the feelings are gushing out. If you never wrote a Valentine to anyone before, you may find yourself writing a Valentine card 5 times over - all with different themes - because the feelings won’t stop. This is for a consensual communication, where you both are on the same page.
Not having found a Valentine since 8th grade, and before that, 1st grade, to find one after decades of life could result in paragraphs and paragraphs of feelings. But why?
The Coats - Where Is Your Coat?
What inspired this column was the ongoing coat issue in my house with my two older children. They either won’t wear them, or they want to wear one, but can’t find the perfect one. This, on the Friday that is starting the arctic winter blast where the temperature will dip to the single digits.
My children both walk to school. My one child looked sad the other day leaving, and I asked them why. They said: “Because it’s so cold - I don’t like walking in the cold. But you can’t drive me because of the other younger children.” Understood. However. This child goes out the door by choice in a sweatshirt, sweatpants, and upgraded slippers, with no hat, scarf or gloves. Despite being surrounded by such accessories.
During the winter holiday, one of the gift themes was finding the perfect coat. The perfect coat must be found for the winter. Through much research, the perfect coat was found! And gifted. But it is now rarely worn.
This results in this feeling of: “But…the perfect thing was found for you…I don’t understand. Why aren’t you wearing it if you are cold?” But they are young children with minds of their own, and have decided that sweatshirts are the wardrobe. And they aren’t alone. Some kids wear coats, and some are in the sweatshirt combo. I could force the child to wear the coat, but that’s not my style. I give up. It pains me to see them cold. And not bundle them up. But I have to let go (though I still get to bundle up my youngest child).
For my middle child, they have several coats (as does the previous child). On the coldest day, suddenly the puffiest, most softest coat was unsatisfactory. The child could not fathom wearing it because in their opinion, it made them look funny and the fabric bothered them. Understood. Respected. I found a rejected jacket from the older child and tossed it on top of the other rejected coats, offering it to the child.
As for my heart - I wasn’t mad or yelling or forcing them to wear the coat. I just gave up. I try to provide the love and comfort, and it’s not taken. They seemed to only care about that I searched for more coats that may or may not exist. So I continued on with my morning. Hoping for the best. Hoping they are happy walking to school in whatever they cobble together, and might change their mind later to bundle up. But if they don’t, I let it go. It’s their choice.
Back To The Gushing Valentine’s Feelings
So when you have all this love stored up, it may not have anywhere to go, if it’s not being absorbed. If you happen to have found a Valentine, they might get all your love. And it might be smothering for them. Who knows?! That’s the only way I can explain this gusher.
How do you get to gush mode?
Stripping One’s Self Of Defensiveness
There is one other factor playing into being able to feel the feelings. Aside from allowing yourself to pour love somewhere if it’s not being absorbed elsewhere. And that is: stripping one’s self of defensiveness.
Melting Defensiveness
If you’re normally a defensive person, like I am, the defensive blocker will make you unable to see clearly, or maybe even allow you to express how or what you are feeling. Defensiveness can happen for a number of reasons, including low self-esteem, and fear of rejection. I just learned about Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). I am overjoyed with this discovery, because I don’t feel so alone in my feelings anymore. I’m not even at the tip of the iceberg with researching it, but it’s mentioned so that others can look into it too.
Because I was recognizing a defensiveness in me with someone I cared about, I was trying to melt it away. So that I wouldn’t say sarcastic responses, or lash out. I was asking myself: “Why did I say that? What am I really feeling? What words actually describe what I was feeling?” Sometimes it takes days to peel the onion to figure out this simple answer. Journaling is very key for this. And cardio exercise.
But once you do dig down, the answer is there! And it’s in a very vulnerable place. With the help of information shared by Dr. Jaimee Arnoff and Moraya Seeger DeGeare at BFF Therapy (find Moraya also at The Paired App), I’ve been learning that being and showing vulnerability is a good thing. And if shown to a person who responds gently to it, even better. And results in more vulnerability getting shown. Which feels very mushy and uncomfortable. And if you keep repeating, you will have very many words for that Valentine.
Self-Deprecation Is Really Harmful
Recognizing self-deprecation as part of your love-language or social norm is important. It needs to be edited out.
I am fluent in my languages that are not worldly related, like sarcasm and passive aggression. Another language I am fluent in is self-deprecation. I thought it was just in my family, but I’ve noticed it in women in general. Maybe mothers in particular. It’s seems to have become a requirement in a greeting. One mother can’t greet another mother without pointing out how there is snot on her child’s lip because their nose won’t stop running. Or about their hair being a mess. Or that they haven’t showered in days (shower! shower every day! the hot water feels so good! unless you have active eczema and then you need a steroid cream…so go see Witch Hazel in Beacon for preventative cream options before it gets to steroid level).
Self-deprecation results in 2 people being hurt: yourself, and a person you are dealing with. If you don’t value yourself, because you have trained yourself to put yourself down, then you’re not going to value the person across from you, who very likely may be a person who identifies female. This is how women sometimes cut down other women, or punish them in passive ways.
If you’re doing you, and you’re looking good and feeling good, do not cut that down. Enjoy yourself. If you did a great job at something, remember it. Do not cut it down. Embrace it. Celebrate it. Have caution of course, but let yourself shine. Dim yourself if you need to for a moment. But ditch the self-deprecation as a social norm.
What To Do With The Gushing Valentine
Not sure what to do with the recent gushing, as a person new to feeling feelings. The valve that has been opened is releasing what seems to be currents of emotions. There is a fear of bleeding out. The desire to shut down is strong. So. Will keep reading Secrets of Divine Love and will keep the faith and do the things the book suggests, like pray or meditate, and ground one’s feet while in those focused moments to find calm, melt, and open. And schedule a session with my therapist to discuss the feelings in order to better process them.
2023 BCSD Student Film Festival
HUDSON VALLEY FOOD HALL
HUDSON VALLEY FOOD HALL
45th MLK Day Celebration from Southern Dutchess Coalition Returns with 9th Parade
